Brother W

I dont think you understand how badly I want you to love me.

Brother, Do you really love me? I’m sitting here in a corner crying; wishing you would love me…agreeing to the reason why you can’t say it – hurts.

You don’t even talk to me anymore. You don’t even care for me anymore. But its understandable .

I sit here waiting. WISHING I could feel the warmth again, and knowing that when I finally get to see you; you’ll think nothing is wrong. Which is my special gift, i’m pretty good at hiding my feelings.

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“There are woun…

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral’s Kiss

There are those times when I’m actually so happy, like never ending chit chats.

 

But as soon as I go quiet, even for a split second. Hell breaks loose

and I fall into depression

 

.

I’m not mad.

I'm not mad.

Well, last night my mum came barging in my room and declared that I needed to go see a doctor because I’m ‘crazy’

when CLEARLY. My mum is the one whos mad! to be the one who suffered depression for almost 8 years, I was the one next to you – when you let out all your depression onto me caused so much damage. And you wouldn’t give a shit, even up to now. To be the mum who is stubborn enough to say that my feelings are wrong, that I’m the devil, that you’re disappointed in me? I THINK YOU’RE THE ONE WHOS CRAZY.

YOU ARE SO STUBBORN I CANT.

Hey,

Yeah ceebs everything, I’m just going to tell you what happened these past like what 3 days?

So as you know, my mum scolds me everyday for no reason (she has depression) and I have been holding in that pain for about 4 years now? And for some weird ass reason, I decided to let it out now. As you know, my mum loves to help me if I have problems with other things – but, if its about her? she goes mayhem and donkey kongs my ass. yeh, and my step father was there at the time and I asked for his advice. He constantly told me to ‘talk to her’ But I knew my mothers actions and I was too scared to. To my surprise I got the guts to do it, I told her my feelings. “Hey mum, lets talk… for the past times I’ve really been hurt… sometimes the way you talk to me sounds like you hate me or you despise me. And you get angry at me all the time. I understand what you’re trying to do is because you love me, but I want to be happy.”

I actually felt good after that, that I finally got to tell her my feelings. As expected, my mum backfired. “Your feelings are wrong, I stay home 24/7 waiting for you to come home, I cook, clean, do everything around the house just for you.”

“Mum, you can’t say my feelings are wrong. Everyone has feelings – I never said your feelings are wrong. Plus when I come home, you just yell at me. So why should I even want to come home.”

I am so disappointed in you Nikita. So disappointed. You can never go out again. I am tying you up. “

“WHAT.”

“you are the devil.”

 

Thanks mum really, thanks for everything. But let me tell you this. WHO CALLED THE AMBULANCE WHEN YOU COULDNT BREATHE. WHO KNEW HOW TO SAVE YOUR LIFE. WHO STAYED BY YOUR SIDE WHEN YOU WERE DEPRESSED. WHO. WHO .WHO.  I DID. I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO LOVED YOU. AND THIS IS WHAT I GET. I HATE THIS. FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS IVE BEEN SUFFERING DEPRESSION MYSELF. AND AS FOR THAT I HATE MYSELF. DONT YOU EVER SAY THOSE THINGS TO ME EVER AGAIN. .